A Confession

 I have been stealing rolls of Life Savers ® from the local 71 Express located on Wilton Road in Norwalk, Wisconsin for the past seventeen years. The first time I stole a pack, the cashier had stepped out for a smoke break. I waited for a full ten minutes, but they took too long (I saw them at the payphone after I left, seemingly arguing with a significant other or a local politician, based on their hand gestures). I could have waited longer, but you see I had three large chocolate malts at Brenda's Bar and Grille in the neighboring town so the urge was heavy. "Why not use the 71 Express restroom?" you may be asking - you see, the 71 Express restroom (at the time) was notoriously unkempt, as the owner had a weak stomach and did not have funds to hire extra cleaning staff. Fearing the eventual soiling of my britches, I grabbed the roll of the newly released Orange Mint flavor of Life Savers ® candies and ran out to my '97 Mercury Tracer to drive back to my uncle's house, where they were hosting the annual family bonfire.

The feeling that coursed through my average-sized fingers as I drove away at 8 miles per hour above the speed limit (this was justified; remember, I had left due to the urge to defecate) was like nothing else I had felt up until that point in my life. The smoky taste of what I can only assume was adrenaline in my mouth could not even be covered by the minty yet fruity tang of the Orange Mint Life Savers ® candies I had begun to suckle.

Over the years I returned to that very 71 Express located on Wilton Road in Norwalk, Wisconsin, to continue my unjustified and sinful crime spree. I am not aware if the owner, Ched, suspected me as the notorious Orange Mint Life Savers ® bandit I assume he so desperately despised, but if Ched is reading this, I want you to know:

I will not stop stealing Life Savers ® candies from your storefront. I deeply apologize for my actions. I hope your oldest daughter is still doing well; we lost contact after she left town to attend The ITT Technical Institute of Getzville, New York. If you see her again, tell her I said "what's shaking, bacon?" It's an inside joke - she will remember.